Christmas judgment

21 Dec

It’s nearly the end of another year, which means it’s time to reflect on all the people who rubbed us the wrong way in 2011 and make empty threats about what we’ll do to them if they pull that shit one more time in 2012.

In the interest of Christmas cliches, we have compiled our annual naughty and nice list. Do you want the good news first or the bad news first?

1. Kim Severson
2. Robbie Brown
3. Kim Severson and Robbie Brown on the same byline

Everyone’s still buzzing about Severson’s latest thing, “that pecan article” (come on, Hawkdogg hasn’t updated his MySpace page since March!), and we’re probably still rolling our eyes over Severson-Brown’s “black Hollywood” piece. (Good inventory of subtle offenses here.)

Oh, and let’s not forget Brown’s Waffle House crime story.

These are the issues that Atlanta and the South face. THESE ARE THE THINGS NEW YORK TIMES READERS NEED TO KNOW ABOUT TO CONTINUE SHAPING THEIR WORLDVIEW which apparently begins and ends with that one scene from Mame where Lucille Ball goes to Savannah to meet Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside’s family.

But these articles to which we’ve already alluded barely scratch the surface of what Severson and Brown are capable of! Sometimes they cover the ho-hum trend pieces for which The New York Times is famous, or they’ll hone in on one person in a human interest profile and won’t try to convince the readership that this one Bogart man or “Windy” (=Gone With the Wind fanatic) represents the whole of the South, all of it, every last person. But then there are the times they get carried away, lost in some grotesque scattershot caricature that they know readers from other geographic regions will read with glee.

Behold some of their most offensive clippings and anecdotes from the past year or so:

In some cities, residents have decided to celebrate Halloween on Saturday to preserve the purity of the Christian Sabbath, while others would rather not choose between Halloween and college football.

“The Tricky Business of Halloween Sunday”, 10/28/10

What people in the South don’t know about cold is a lot. When it gets chilly like this — and mind you, 20 degrees is really cold here — morning news anchors remind viewers to wear warm coats, hats and gloves.

“Uncommon Cold Strikes in Georgia”, 12/8/10

Here is a sign of how brutal the weather is — at least by Georgia standards: Before canceling the ball, Mr. Deal even called off the scheduled prayer service, as drastic a move in the South as canceling a football game.

“South Snarled by Second Snowstorm in Weeks”, 1/10/11

While many new residents of Atlanta — transplants of more homogenous areas of the Deep South — would be much happier spending their free hours getting blazed and shooting snakes from a second-floor deck in an exurban apartment complex, the bars of Buckhead still offer a much-welcomed opportunity to snag a drunk Auburn graduate looking to settle down with someone, anyone, named Carter or Trevor.

– We just made that one up for kicks.

And the worst one yet:

In Atlanta, where a giant peach drops from a downtown building each New Year’s Eve, a driver can get lost among all the streets with variations on the name Peachtree.

“Peach Rivalry Becomes War Between the Tastes”, 7/29/10
If someone could promise us we would never have to hear that platitude about too many Peachtrees again as long as we live we would gladly support the renaming of all streets in the City of Atlanta to honor living Central Atlanta Progress board members. GLADLY.

1. This is the place where, a year ago, we would have said Thomas Wheatley. But now we’re going to say Thomas Wheatley’s mom, because she casually shared with us that Thomas spent a portion of his formative years at the Cheshire Motor Inn – WE ARE NOT LYING ABOUT THIS. That information is our Christmas give to you, readers.

2. The person who sent us the last P-Hut holiday card we’ll ever receive again, a classic scene of three lesbians lovingly trimming a Christmas tree in 1991.

3. The bears in the window of Atlanta Period Furniture.

Previously: Just thankful that “hick” rhymes with “sticks”

One Response to “Christmas judgment”

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